Another needle falls. They've nearly all turned brown. Alas the drought has proven to be stronger.

A Work in Progress

The night is cold and the cool crisp air cuts at his chest like tiny daggers. He gasps as the sudden pain takes his breath away. Despite the numbing temperature it's a beautiful night, among the first he has seen in many. The night sky is crystal clear, not a cloud in sight. The stars were incandescent, so alluring that he thought for a minute he must be in a dream. There was no way that something this beautiful could be so real in a world so full of anger and disappointment. It seemed surreal, all the different colors that were embedded into the night sky. It was as if someone had painted the view he was now trying to take in with big, bold beautiful brush strokes of violets and blues. Despite the hypnagogic atmosphere he found himself in, he had never felt more alive; he had never fully appreciated life until that moment. He wondered why it had taken him so long to witness such a sight. He was just too busy. He lived life like he was stuck in fast forward, always going, always doing, never stopping, never seeing.
And then there he was, alone on some dusty old back road stranded in time. For the first time in the last ten years, his life was actually on pause. Bored out of his mind and waiting on the repairman he climbed onto the hood of his car, stretched out, put his hands behind his head, and looked up into the night sky. As inconvenienced as he was, he actually enjoyed the time alone. The country was quiet, peaceful; time actually seemed to stand still. All that could be heard was well, nothing. Laying there and taking in the scenery around him, he began to relax; the tension in his shoulders started to ease and the wrinkle on his forhead started to slowly disappear. He began to recollect on his life, how he had gotten to where he is now. Up until that moment, he never realized how sad and lonely he really was.
He didn't use to be this way. He was happy once. It had been so long that he had forgotten what that feeling was even like. To be content with life and have that feeling of fulfillment, pride, and success. Sure he was successful, anyone who was anyone knew what a big deal he was. He was a big time business man bringing in millions and living in a home most people couldn't even dream of affording. He had everything he ever wanted: a big house, a nice yaht, a cabin in the woods, anything he could ever ask for. Yet he still was not satisfied, always going after the next big thing. And looking back on it now, he was beginning to see how stupid that was and how much he has wasted the past ten years of his life.
It hadn't always been this way though. Like I said before, he was happy at one time. Fresh out of high school he proposed to the girl of his dreams. He was from a back road, home grown, kind of town where everybody knew everybody and if you did something at noon the whole town would know by one and he couldn't wait to get out. The only thing holding him back was  her. For awhile, she was more important; she meant the world to him. He had known her forever as the tomgirl next door, hanging out from sun up to sun down, fishing down at the waterhole, building forts out in the backwoods. It wasn't until their sophomore year that their relationship began to flourish into something more. They carved their initials in that old birch tree at the back of his parents property. He chuckles as he recollects on the past memory he had long forgotten about.
They were seventeen and both crazy in love. It was the night of the annual town bonfire and corn roast his parents hosted every year. The two of them snuck away shortly after  the fire got started. He had something he wanted to show her so he took out back to the edge of their property. There was an old birch tree they use to carve into when they were younger, mainly tally marks from random games they use to play. She would also carve in the date, "So you always remember how many times I kicked your butt" she would say to him. It was on this tree that he carved their initals, inside a dated heart. He knew it was cheesy, but he knew she would love it. "Race you to the old tree out back" he said to her, "it'll be like old times; winner gets to date the tree". And with that the two of them took off running. He had this whole plan of getting their first and had this real smooth speech to give before he showed her what he did. However...
Flashing lights and a quick honk brought him back to reality as the repair man showed up in a rusty old Chevy pickup, not quite the AAA service he was use to. With a deep breath and a heavy sigh John  got up off the hood of his car, brushing the dirt off his jacket and pants as he headed to man that would get him back on his way. "Nice night," the man said with a nod and grabbed his bag out of the bed of his truck.

The places you go,
the people you miss,
the way you change,
That's life: that's this.

You look back and can't believe,
All the craziness that's happened,
All the ways you've been deceived,
And yet, all the things you've achieved.

Who knew it'd be like this,
Manic high to manic low
Who knew you'd feel this way,
Days and emotions just don't flow.

Some days you've got it down,
You've got it all figured out
and others you just frown,
Feel like you can't help but drown.

Sometimes you think it's getting better,
But know it's only getting worse
It just keeps on playing through,
Like a repetitive verse.

"And the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you cannot replace"

I miss you. That's all I can say for now. I'm still not ready to accept it. I still cannot say it's real, that you were taken from us way too soon. When I let myself feel it I spin in circles around being sad, angry,  and confused. It makes me dizzy. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to accept it. I don't know if I ever really will, but I know I'm supposed to, that's what everyone says anyways. It doesn't matter how hard I wish it, I'm not going to get to hear that laugh, or see that smile, or sit next to you in meeting, or complain about classes, or tell you how much I love your hair. You never did teach me how you do your braids, mine never turn out like yours. If only someone could answer, "Why?"....

Just like that, out of no where it's back, banging on my door, trying to get in. I do everything to barricade the door, to stay strong. If I stay strong long enough maybe it will just go away, maybe it will get tired of trying to get in and will finally give up and leave me alone. As of right now it's not real. I can't see it. If I can't see it, it doesn't exist. But what if gets in? What if I am forced to face it? What do I do then? I don't know if I can handle that. Not ready for that day to come. I know it's soon though. Trying to prepare, to brace myself....

It's quiet. Almost. All that can be heard is a slight ticking coming from the clock up on the wall. It's rhythmic and oddly enough, somewhat relaxing. It's a relief to finally be away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life; people running here and there. Always running. Always running as if time is running out, going somewhere and never coming back. Too often we live our lives as if we're stuck in fastforward, a constant movement flying through the daily routines. We become robotic, unattached, and desensitized to the world around us. We are living a life we have forgotten how to live, if we can even call it living.

Another Day

Memories and thoughts of you keep flooding back. Most of the time they're happy and I laugh aloud to myself, sharing the stories with others. But sometimes I let the truth in. As much as I don't want to and as bad as it hurts, sometimes it just seeps through. I wish I could keep the wall up forever, but the truth keeps banging at the door, trying to bust in. My defenses are getting weak.

Funny the way it is...no actually it's just stupid.

Funny the way life works. One day everything is fine and dandy, you're laughing with your friends, sitting around drinking, talking about life, unaware that things are about to change. Forever. Then for the next two weeks it's like you're trapped in a dream. No a nightmare. A hellish nightmare that you just wish someone would pull you out of. How could this be real? Why in the world did this happen? This doesn't make any sense.
I'm twenty-one years old. A senior in college. Part of an amazing sorority. My biggest worries are homework and making sure I don't get too far behind in my wedding planning. Life was good. Sure there were some sucky days, but never like this. It's been twelve days now. Twelve days since I recieved that phone call. All I could hear was, "Ariel" "bus" "prounounced dead". Katie was sobbing. I immediately broke down. Hoping, praying I heard her wrong. It couldn't be true. How could it. I was just with Ariel. I just saw her two nights before. We were sitting on her couch laughing. She was so full of life, so alive. It couldn't be true. I floored it back to my apartment and met Joan and Cheyenne in the parking lot. I opened my door to go to them. "It's not true. Tell me I heard her wrong". They had gotten the same call. We all just stood there sobbing and holding one another. Life as we knew it was over.
Cheyenne was the only one who had it together enough to drive so she took my car and the three of us made the journey to Hurely Hospital because that's where everyone was going. That's where we were gathering to figure out what was going on. I didn't know what to do. I have never cried this hard. I just kept praying that it wasn't true. I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't breathe. I look to Joan and Cheyenne. Both crying and on their phones trying to figure out what is going on. I call Bree to she if she knows whats going on, my mother because I don't know what to do, and Taylor whose voice I desperately needed to hear but couldn't because he was stuck in an exam.
After what feels like forever, we finally made it to the hospital with beat red, swollen eyes. Some of our other sisters are already there, and more are on their way. I see Katie walk up and my heart breaks all over again. Feeling this pain myself is hard enough, but seeing that look on my Little's face and knowing I can't do anything to take away her pain makes it even harder. I hug her and try to hold it in, try to stay strong for her but I lose it and we stand there and hold each other, not knowing what to do. Everyone is hugging; everyone is holding one another. Staring. Wondering what we were suppose to be doing. We see some of her family come out. Her Aunt comes to us, hugs us, and confirms the worst. Our amazing, beautiful Ariel was gone. Three little words, "Yes it's true".
I need to do this. To write this all down. To get it all out there. I'm keeping too much in. It hurts to much. This is all I can muster for now. Maybe tomorrow I'll be a little stronger.

My words will never be enough

You are not gone. You never will be. I will continue carry your spirit around with me. I love you so much and my life is better for knowing you. You were, no you are an inspiration to us all. One of the most amazing women I have ever met. I love you Ariel. Words can't explain how truly amazing you are. You will forever be my sister. See you again.

Come Back

Ariel, I love you and I miss you. I know it's selfish to want you back, to want to go back and have more time, more time to laugh and love life, but I do. You were and still are one of the most inspiring people I have ever met. If only I could have half your drive and strength. We joined Phi Sig our freshmen year together and I can honestly say it's one of the best decisions I've made in life because it led me to you. It led me to your faith in God, your love, your determination. You made me want to be a better person. I hope you can hear me when I say you impacted me, you signed your name on this part of my life and I will continue to carry you with me. I want to get closer to God, I want to change and become the best I can be because of you, because of the times we've had and the amazing woman you are. I love you. You will forever be my sister. I will carry you with me where ever I go. I know you're still here. I can still feel you everywhere. Please watch over and help guide me to be the best person possible. I love you Ariel. So very very much. Words can never explain what you really meant to me. I know what's in my heart and I hope you know now too. I'm so sorry I never took the time to actually tell you how much you meant to me and how much I really looked up to you Ariel.

I wish you could come back. To all of us.

Ugh

It's the same old thing. The same same sweet story. People are there one moment and gone the next. They move in and out of our lives lke it doesn't even matter. Or maybe that is just me. Maybe that is just how my cycle goes. Regardless, this is how I will always be. I will always be here for you, every second of every day. I am not going anywhere, I never will and never shall. That is me. That is who I am. I will continue to stay here. I will continue to stay here when others leave, when other take advantage of the person I am, of the person that I cannot change. I will forever try to take on all of your troubles, everything I am. I will forever care more about you than I do myself.  I try to change this, but no matter how hard I try this will not go away; you will all always come before the happiness of myself. The one thing I ask, please don't take advantage of this, because regardless I will always give you my all. No matter what the situation I will always be all that I can for you. For all of you out there.

three summers ago

I miss you all the time. No matter what I do it’s never enough, it will never be enough; as much as I wish you didn’t, you will always have a special place in my heart. Time has changed us both, in some ways for the better, and some for worse. I will always hold on to who you were to me and I will continue to cherish the memories we had. I tried holding on for so long, it’s so much easier than letting go. Even though it hurts at least we can say we had the times that we did. Maybe one day you’ll look back and revisit those times, think of me and smile. I find happiness in the fact that in those moments, no matter how few or how short they may be, that we will be reconnected once again.

Open your eyes

Life doesn't wait for you to catch up. It does not need you to go on; it's on a schedule of it's own. Take it for what it's worth. You can either go with the flow or get left behind. The choice is yours; it's up to you, because life could care less. It will go on without you, just as it will go on without me and the weird kid that lives down the street. You can take it for what it's worth or you can throw it all away. Life doesn't care; it does it's own thing. You get out of it what you put in; it is what you make of it. Live life, don't let it waste away. It's the greatest gift you could ever have.

3:30AM

Another sleepless night where the body is exhausted but the mind continues to wander as if it's on some journey. But to where? From one thought to the next, it doesn't stay in the same place for long, constantly jumping around searching for that moment of solitude when it can finally come to a rest.  Dizziness and nausea take over as the body screams for it to end. And then, a distraction, yes, a distraction. A book, words on page; a place for the mind to finally go. Turn page. Running wildly across the pages, soaking up words faster than they can be read, the mind continues on its frenzy. Page after page, chapter after chapter. And then suddenly, it starts to slow down. The slow soothing ticks of the clock get louder as the thoughts get softer. One after another, like the beats of a drum. Soon the eyes start to get heavy and the breathing slows.The body relaxes. The thoughts are now at a whisper. Sleep can finally come..

Date a girl...

Date a girl who reads. A girl who reads has imagination and passion. Date a girl who would rather spend money on books than a new pair of shoes. Whose room is filled with bookselves bought a garage sales, fixed up and painted to fit her style; books overflowing the shelves and closet because she has too many, except to her she doesn't have enough. Date a girl who keeps a list of all the books she's read and all the books she would one day like to read. She's the one that will always be carrying around an unread book looking for a chance to pull it how and get a few more pages in. She's the girl taht can sit down and read and whole series in less than a week, who could just sit in a book store for hours upon hours. She can't walk through a garage sale, or any store for that matter, without picking out a book or two to add to her ever-growing collection. Date a girl who reads. It's easy. Give her books. Give her books and give her words. Show that you understand, that you knwo words are love. Girls who read undestand people. They can easily relate to many people, just as they do with the characters in their books. Date a girl who reads because she brings color and imagination into the world. Date a girl who reads, because she is real.

:)

Engaged to the most amazing man.

Throughout my lifetime I will always create. Accomplishments will be shared with close friends & family. (Spoiler alert: I die at the end.)  ~Dane Cook

I know a girl that doesn’t know who she is. She wanders aimlessly trying to find something that makes her feel alive. She spends her time looking and searching for something but she doesn’t know what.

I know a girl that is lost and wants nothing more than to be found, to be told that her life has meaning and to feel worthy of those around her.

I know a girl that is jealous of the others, of their good looks and happy faces and their fearlessness.

I know a girl that is tired of crying herself to sleep because she feels so alone. She hates getting ready in the morning because she can’t stand that reflection in the mirror starring back at her.

I know a girl who hides this from those around her. She puts on a pretty little smile but they don’t see the pain within. She cares more about pleasing everyone else than making herself happy.

I know a girl who doesn’t like to burden others with her problems and just lets them build up inside of her. She puts up a wall and keeps people at a distance so they don’t have to see that side of her.

I know a girl...

She is part of all of us, yet we decide how strong that part really is and how much we let it affect our daily lives. When you give in, life sucks...but bad things happen and at times life may seem unfair; yet it’s important to always believe in yourself, because If you don’t believe in yourself who will?

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." -Elizabeth Gilbert

I came across this the other day and actually really enjoyed it. I have never taken much thought to the concept of a "soul mate". But this idea I rather like.

Your emotions give me whip lash, the way you go from happy to sad just like that. I don't know what you want me to do; I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know why it is that I care so much. But that's my weakness, always has been, and probably always will be; I care too much about everyone and everything, whether they deserve it or not. I put myself out there time after time, person after person, just to have it thrown back in my face. I spend too much time on others and not enough time on me. After all the scars it's left me, you'd think I'd learn to change. But I cannot. No matter how hard I try I will never stop being me, I will never stop caring. I guess it's just up to you and everyone else how you use or abuse that fact.