"And the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you cannot replace"

I miss you. That's all I can say for now. I'm still not ready to accept it. I still cannot say it's real, that you were taken from us way too soon. When I let myself feel it I spin in circles around being sad, angry,  and confused. It makes me dizzy. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to accept it. I don't know if I ever really will, but I know I'm supposed to, that's what everyone says anyways. It doesn't matter how hard I wish it, I'm not going to get to hear that laugh, or see that smile, or sit next to you in meeting, or complain about classes, or tell you how much I love your hair. You never did teach me how you do your braids, mine never turn out like yours. If only someone could answer, "Why?"....

Just like that, out of no where it's back, banging on my door, trying to get in. I do everything to barricade the door, to stay strong. If I stay strong long enough maybe it will just go away, maybe it will get tired of trying to get in and will finally give up and leave me alone. As of right now it's not real. I can't see it. If I can't see it, it doesn't exist. But what if gets in? What if I am forced to face it? What do I do then? I don't know if I can handle that. Not ready for that day to come. I know it's soon though. Trying to prepare, to brace myself....

It's quiet. Almost. All that can be heard is a slight ticking coming from the clock up on the wall. It's rhythmic and oddly enough, somewhat relaxing. It's a relief to finally be away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life; people running here and there. Always running. Always running as if time is running out, going somewhere and never coming back. Too often we live our lives as if we're stuck in fastforward, a constant movement flying through the daily routines. We become robotic, unattached, and desensitized to the world around us. We are living a life we have forgotten how to live, if we can even call it living.

Another Day

Memories and thoughts of you keep flooding back. Most of the time they're happy and I laugh aloud to myself, sharing the stories with others. But sometimes I let the truth in. As much as I don't want to and as bad as it hurts, sometimes it just seeps through. I wish I could keep the wall up forever, but the truth keeps banging at the door, trying to bust in. My defenses are getting weak.

Funny the way it is...no actually it's just stupid.

Funny the way life works. One day everything is fine and dandy, you're laughing with your friends, sitting around drinking, talking about life, unaware that things are about to change. Forever. Then for the next two weeks it's like you're trapped in a dream. No a nightmare. A hellish nightmare that you just wish someone would pull you out of. How could this be real? Why in the world did this happen? This doesn't make any sense.
I'm twenty-one years old. A senior in college. Part of an amazing sorority. My biggest worries are homework and making sure I don't get too far behind in my wedding planning. Life was good. Sure there were some sucky days, but never like this. It's been twelve days now. Twelve days since I recieved that phone call. All I could hear was, "Ariel" "bus" "prounounced dead". Katie was sobbing. I immediately broke down. Hoping, praying I heard her wrong. It couldn't be true. How could it. I was just with Ariel. I just saw her two nights before. We were sitting on her couch laughing. She was so full of life, so alive. It couldn't be true. I floored it back to my apartment and met Joan and Cheyenne in the parking lot. I opened my door to go to them. "It's not true. Tell me I heard her wrong". They had gotten the same call. We all just stood there sobbing and holding one another. Life as we knew it was over.
Cheyenne was the only one who had it together enough to drive so she took my car and the three of us made the journey to Hurely Hospital because that's where everyone was going. That's where we were gathering to figure out what was going on. I didn't know what to do. I have never cried this hard. I just kept praying that it wasn't true. I couldn't stop shaking, I couldn't breathe. I look to Joan and Cheyenne. Both crying and on their phones trying to figure out what is going on. I call Bree to she if she knows whats going on, my mother because I don't know what to do, and Taylor whose voice I desperately needed to hear but couldn't because he was stuck in an exam.
After what feels like forever, we finally made it to the hospital with beat red, swollen eyes. Some of our other sisters are already there, and more are on their way. I see Katie walk up and my heart breaks all over again. Feeling this pain myself is hard enough, but seeing that look on my Little's face and knowing I can't do anything to take away her pain makes it even harder. I hug her and try to hold it in, try to stay strong for her but I lose it and we stand there and hold each other, not knowing what to do. Everyone is hugging; everyone is holding one another. Staring. Wondering what we were suppose to be doing. We see some of her family come out. Her Aunt comes to us, hugs us, and confirms the worst. Our amazing, beautiful Ariel was gone. Three little words, "Yes it's true".
I need to do this. To write this all down. To get it all out there. I'm keeping too much in. It hurts to much. This is all I can muster for now. Maybe tomorrow I'll be a little stronger.

My words will never be enough

You are not gone. You never will be. I will continue carry your spirit around with me. I love you so much and my life is better for knowing you. You were, no you are an inspiration to us all. One of the most amazing women I have ever met. I love you Ariel. Words can't explain how truly amazing you are. You will forever be my sister. See you again.

Come Back

Ariel, I love you and I miss you. I know it's selfish to want you back, to want to go back and have more time, more time to laugh and love life, but I do. You were and still are one of the most inspiring people I have ever met. If only I could have half your drive and strength. We joined Phi Sig our freshmen year together and I can honestly say it's one of the best decisions I've made in life because it led me to you. It led me to your faith in God, your love, your determination. You made me want to be a better person. I hope you can hear me when I say you impacted me, you signed your name on this part of my life and I will continue to carry you with me. I want to get closer to God, I want to change and become the best I can be because of you, because of the times we've had and the amazing woman you are. I love you. You will forever be my sister. I will carry you with me where ever I go. I know you're still here. I can still feel you everywhere. Please watch over and help guide me to be the best person possible. I love you Ariel. So very very much. Words can never explain what you really meant to me. I know what's in my heart and I hope you know now too. I'm so sorry I never took the time to actually tell you how much you meant to me and how much I really looked up to you Ariel.

I wish you could come back. To all of us.

Ugh

It's the same old thing. The same same sweet story. People are there one moment and gone the next. They move in and out of our lives lke it doesn't even matter. Or maybe that is just me. Maybe that is just how my cycle goes. Regardless, this is how I will always be. I will always be here for you, every second of every day. I am not going anywhere, I never will and never shall. That is me. That is who I am. I will continue to stay here. I will continue to stay here when others leave, when other take advantage of the person I am, of the person that I cannot change. I will forever try to take on all of your troubles, everything I am. I will forever care more about you than I do myself.  I try to change this, but no matter how hard I try this will not go away; you will all always come before the happiness of myself. The one thing I ask, please don't take advantage of this, because regardless I will always give you my all. No matter what the situation I will always be all that I can for you. For all of you out there.

three summers ago

I miss you all the time. No matter what I do it’s never enough, it will never be enough; as much as I wish you didn’t, you will always have a special place in my heart. Time has changed us both, in some ways for the better, and some for worse. I will always hold on to who you were to me and I will continue to cherish the memories we had. I tried holding on for so long, it’s so much easier than letting go. Even though it hurts at least we can say we had the times that we did. Maybe one day you’ll look back and revisit those times, think of me and smile. I find happiness in the fact that in those moments, no matter how few or how short they may be, that we will be reconnected once again.