Communication is key. You can lie and deceive but you will always get caught. At times it may be small little things, but after a while those small little secrets tend to build up into a crazy ball of fury that's ready to be hurled at the next person that lies to her. Time after time she hands out second chances. She tries to see the best in people and hope that they will one day change. She doesn't ask for much; the tiniest things make her happy. Just tell her the truth and don't hide things from her, that's all she asks. How many times does she have to ask? Too many...because she shouldn't have to ask..no she shouldn't, that should just come with respecting her.

My First Love

I miss you. Everything about you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and the way you made me feel. I close my eyes and it all comes back to me. The sensations and overwhelming amounts of joy that come with you. Those late nights and weekend trips...what I'd give to have you back...

But sooner or later we must grow up. We must move on with our lives, make decisions, and give things up. You were important to me; helped me get to where I am today. I miss you. Thank you for the memories,
the smell of dirt, sweat and bubblegum; the sting of strawberries and open flesh, the throbbing of a second knee cap, the feeling after snagging that line drive or making that awesome slide at homeplate to tie up the game, having team members that become more like family; a game you learn to love for a lifetime.

"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything begins again, and it blossoms in the summer filling the afternoon and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rain comes, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." ~ A. Bartlett Gametti

One day you become to old; one day you make the decision to give it up; one day you realize you need to move on. It's a sad day; one that you will always remember. But you'll always remember the times you had, the memories you shared...with that old ball and glove, with those old teammates, with that dusty old field. It's a girls first love...and everyone knows, you never forget your first love.

A very Funny argument....lol

[4:01:57 PM] amanda dubay: It just wasn't funny.

[4:02:24 PM] Taylor Kasper: okay whatever you say babe

[4:02:54 PM] amanda dubay: Seriously Taylor. You're jokes are lame. They always have been. I just laugh to make you feel better.

[4:03:38 PM] Taylor Kasper: lol and your jokes are weak

[4:03:44 PM] Taylor Kasper: you are never funny

[4:06:15 PM] amanda dubay: Okay, just because you are hurting inside from hearing what I just told you, I will let you say this. I know you don't mean it and are just lashing out because you are jealous that when it comes to jokes and being funny I am so much better at it. As a male you feel as though you should be better at most things and the fact that I am funnier makes you feel incompetent. So I will be the better person and let you say what you want if that really makes you feel better.

[4:06:47 PM] Taylor Kasper: hilarious baby

[4:07:32 PM] Taylor Kasper: not really, I feel like you want to be the funny one to be able to say that you bring humor to the relationship, if it weren't for me I don't think we would laugh

[4:08:32 PM] amanda dubay: You only wish Taylor. I bring the light to this relationship. If I didn't dearly love to laugh...we would be in trouble

[4:09:15 PM] Taylor Kasper: you only love to laugh because I make you laugh so much. you just don't want admit it because you don't want me to think I have that power over you

[4:11:24 PM] Taylor Kasper: i know I just enhanced it to where you could not bear it anymore

[4:12:52 PM] amanda dubay: That does not make any sense. You really need to work on your sense of language and the way that you use you're words to convey your message.

[4:17:04 PM] Taylor Kasper: you need to work on your agrumentative skills. This is a nonsequitor argument due to your lack of adequate connecting words to create a flowing argument

[4:19:05 PM] amanda dubay: You think that using big words makes you sound smart. You only use them at times like these. This means that you are obviously not confident in your true abilites and need to pretend to be something you are not, such as a person with intelligence and a big vocabulary.

[4:20:55 PM] Taylor Kasper: Your continued attempt to degrade me is an obvious sign of some internal feeling of inadequacy. One who talks down on others is not satisfied with themselves and lack the confidence to confront their own fears

[4:24:22 PM] amanda dubay: If your opinion of a 'continued attempt' to degrade you consists of something as small and as simple as me telling you that your jokes are not funny, which I believe is the basis of this whole arguement, than your self confidence is not as high as what you make others think. If something that small gets you this upset where you have to start downplaying me then you have a problem that needs to be dealt with. This is not healthy. Not healthy for you and it certainly is not healthy for this relationship.

[4:28:46 PM] Taylor Kasper: This relationship has been built around the talents of both us together neither of us are perfect and have many things that we can work on. Together these weaknesses are negated by the others strengths. It is this power that drives true love. If you feel that my humor is not to the best ability and neither is yours than something else in our relationship must offset that because when we are together I can do nothing but smile and feel good about the relationship that we have

So this wasn't a real argument..this was just goofying around on skype im when we should have been doing homework. I feel like this blog has been dark and gloomy for too long and needed a little pick me up :P

Am I written in pencil or am I written in pen? Everywhere I go I seem to disappear.There one moment, forgotten the next. Erased from this world.The footsteps I left had been washed away, washed away by the waves of life.
But then you came and turned it all around. You gave me meaning, you gave me hope. To be more than a number, make a name for myself. You listened when no one would, cared when no one should. Out of the darkness you came to lift me up. Confidence emerged from no where. Life felt good.
But then you started to drift away, as so many have before you. I knew it was only a matter of time before you became one of them. Yet, I still hoped. You were different. You made me believe.
That part of you is still there. I know it is. It has to be. Please when you find him, tell him to come back to me. Come back to me. Pull me out of this rut. I'm stuck. I'm helpless. Drowing in a pool of fear and worthlessness. You gave me meaning, you gave me hope. Come back to me.

The Battle Within

Dark.
Cold.
Shivering.
All hope seems lost.

Light.
Warm.
Sensation.
Nothing but a memory.

Struggle.
Sinking.
Suffocating.
The end seems near.

Spark.
Ignited.
Hope.
Somewhere deep inside.

Go.
Stay.
Fight.
Retreat.
The battle within.

Close your eyes,
 tell me where you want to be.
Close your eyes,
are you standing there with me?
I can tell you want I want;
I can tell you how I feel...
but that doesn't matter
if you aren't willing to make that deal.

You made me laugh,
you made me smile.
But that hasn't happened,
in quite a while.
But now I hope
things are turning around.
I was ten feet under
and almost drowned.
I pushed you away
because you seemed to stop caring
My heart throbbed
and was close to tearing.

So close your eyes,
tell me where you want to be.
Close your eyes,
are you standing there with me?
Tell me what you want,
and tell me how you feel.
Not until then
can I start to heal.

The shadows creep up. Even with the lights on, there is no escaping them. The T.V. is on because the silence is unbearable. The room stays cluttered; it doesn't feel as empty that way. The bed is covered in every blanket she owns. She wraps herself up tight as if will keep her together, keep her from falling apart.
The hope she once carried flickers inside her...like a candle nearing the end of its wick. She doesn't know what to do or where to turn. She's going in circles, dizzy, sick to her stomach.
Her heart beats. Harder and harder. It hurts. She wants to just rip it out, rip it out and sew herself shut. Maybe then she will feel something, something other than the emptiness.

In your name I find meaning, but you don't know it. You're the newly found light in a room that has been dark for far too long, the optimism to my pessimism without even trying. But you're hurting too. From one broken soul to the next, we search for meaning...

Song of the day

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Chorus

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw

Pretty much sums it up

It’s cold; the first winter snow has fallen. She wakes up, an hour later than what she planned, with swollen eyes from crying herself to sleep. She rolls out of bed and feels like she had just been hit by a bus. To the bathroom she walks head down like a battered little puppy. The lights get switched on but the reflection in the mirror is too much to bear so they go right back off. The only light shining in the room is from a little nightlight, half broken and on its last leg, just like her. The process of getting ready seems to be a bigger obstacle than she had thought.  The makeup is darker and heavier; not because she has someone to impress, but because she tries to hide that painful look on her face, like makeup can hide those dark circles around her eyes and the tears that are building up. Today was going to be a battle; one she didn’t know if she could win. The strength and hope she once had was gone, at least for now, and that was her fault. She did not try hard enough and that fact was going to eat at her all day, constantly gnawing at her, hoping to break if it could. The one she normally talked to was gone. He had been her rock, but like always, others became more important and soon she was nothing to him. She had been through this cycle so many times with her close companions, but she thought he would be the one to stay; as always she was not good enough. Yet, this was not what pained her on that cold December morning, her troubles reached far more beyond the loss of yet another close friend. She had gotten use to that and almost expected it to happen when she got close to other people. 

The wind is cold as she starts the long walk to class; however, she feels nothing. Her body is numb but not from the cold. She hopes the snow and coldness will help take down the swelling in her eyes. Her chest aches, not from the winter wind or the cold she has been battling, but from the struggle going on inside of her. This is harder than what she had thought it was going to be. The long walk sucks; it’s good for her though. She needs the time to just think and recollect on the past night’s events. How could she let that happen? Why was she not strong enough? Did she really think this was going to fix things? She only hoped it would. All she wanted was to go back to the way things use to be; where the love was strong and prevailing, where long kisses and affection was more common than the fights and arguments. It had become a routine, a robotic routine, and they were both just rolling through the motions.  She wanted to feel again, that’s all…something more than disappointment and unworthiness…something good would be nice…for once. All he had to do was wake up; wake up and realize what was slipping away from him. She didn’t want to fall away from him...it was just getting to hard to hold on…she couldn’t get a firm grip…it was like the past seven years was slipping through her hands like tiny grains of sand, blowing away in the wind.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. Whoever came up with that one obviously didn’t know about all the pain and agony the heart must go through first in order to get to that better place, and that’s if it ever gets there. She felt selfish for complaining about it. Some people have to overcome much in their relationships, but she wasn’t somebody else. He always tried to use that to his advantage, saying how lucky they were compared to some people. Yes, they found each other when they were so young; that made them special.  But now, now he makes her want to scream and yell and breakdown and cry, bawl her eyes out and beg…beg to have him back…the man he use to be. Where did he go? And why did he leave? Two questions she has asked herself many times throughout the past year. Was it her? Was she not enough for him? Did he deserve more?

She was never quite confident in herself. The reasoning behind this she was contemplating when she finally made it to her class. She's right on time as the professor walks in behind her. She likes this teacher, she is very outgoing and confident…she’s jealous and wishes she could be more like that. Class went by very slowing. She could not seem to focus on anything the class was discussing…something about stereotypes and multiculturalism. Any other day she would have felt very intrigued with the discussion, maybe even contributed a bit, but not today. Today her mind wandered; her mind was trying to comprehend so much at once it was as though she wasn’t even thinking at all. Just staring. Staring at the blackboard while the professor wrote down key points that would probably be on the next quiz. It was like everything was moving in slow motion around her and the voices of her peers formed together and all she could hear was a gentle buzz. She was off in her own little world, trying to shut everything out…she longed to go back to that place…the place where everything was good…She closes her eyes, and the world goes dark; it is here that she hides...and waits to be found.