Open your eyes

Life doesn't wait for you to catch up. It does not need you to go on; it's on a schedule of it's own. Take it for what it's worth. You can either go with the flow or get left behind. The choice is yours; it's up to you, because life could care less. It will go on without you, just as it will go on without me and the weird kid that lives down the street. You can take it for what it's worth or you can throw it all away. Life doesn't care; it does it's own thing. You get out of it what you put in; it is what you make of it. Live life, don't let it waste away. It's the greatest gift you could ever have.

3:30AM

Another sleepless night where the body is exhausted but the mind continues to wander as if it's on some journey. But to where? From one thought to the next, it doesn't stay in the same place for long, constantly jumping around searching for that moment of solitude when it can finally come to a rest.  Dizziness and nausea take over as the body screams for it to end. And then, a distraction, yes, a distraction. A book, words on page; a place for the mind to finally go. Turn page. Running wildly across the pages, soaking up words faster than they can be read, the mind continues on its frenzy. Page after page, chapter after chapter. And then suddenly, it starts to slow down. The slow soothing ticks of the clock get louder as the thoughts get softer. One after another, like the beats of a drum. Soon the eyes start to get heavy and the breathing slows.The body relaxes. The thoughts are now at a whisper. Sleep can finally come..

Date a girl...

Date a girl who reads. A girl who reads has imagination and passion. Date a girl who would rather spend money on books than a new pair of shoes. Whose room is filled with bookselves bought a garage sales, fixed up and painted to fit her style; books overflowing the shelves and closet because she has too many, except to her she doesn't have enough. Date a girl who keeps a list of all the books she's read and all the books she would one day like to read. She's the one that will always be carrying around an unread book looking for a chance to pull it how and get a few more pages in. She's the girl taht can sit down and read and whole series in less than a week, who could just sit in a book store for hours upon hours. She can't walk through a garage sale, or any store for that matter, without picking out a book or two to add to her ever-growing collection. Date a girl who reads. It's easy. Give her books. Give her books and give her words. Show that you understand, that you knwo words are love. Girls who read undestand people. They can easily relate to many people, just as they do with the characters in their books. Date a girl who reads because she brings color and imagination into the world. Date a girl who reads, because she is real.

:)

Engaged to the most amazing man.

Throughout my lifetime I will always create. Accomplishments will be shared with close friends & family. (Spoiler alert: I die at the end.)  ~Dane Cook

I know a girl that doesn’t know who she is. She wanders aimlessly trying to find something that makes her feel alive. She spends her time looking and searching for something but she doesn’t know what.

I know a girl that is lost and wants nothing more than to be found, to be told that her life has meaning and to feel worthy of those around her.

I know a girl that is jealous of the others, of their good looks and happy faces and their fearlessness.

I know a girl that is tired of crying herself to sleep because she feels so alone. She hates getting ready in the morning because she can’t stand that reflection in the mirror starring back at her.

I know a girl who hides this from those around her. She puts on a pretty little smile but they don’t see the pain within. She cares more about pleasing everyone else than making herself happy.

I know a girl who doesn’t like to burden others with her problems and just lets them build up inside of her. She puts up a wall and keeps people at a distance so they don’t have to see that side of her.

I know a girl...

She is part of all of us, yet we decide how strong that part really is and how much we let it affect our daily lives. When you give in, life sucks...but bad things happen and at times life may seem unfair; yet it’s important to always believe in yourself, because If you don’t believe in yourself who will?

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..." -Elizabeth Gilbert

I came across this the other day and actually really enjoyed it. I have never taken much thought to the concept of a "soul mate". But this idea I rather like.

Your emotions give me whip lash, the way you go from happy to sad just like that. I don't know what you want me to do; I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know why it is that I care so much. But that's my weakness, always has been, and probably always will be; I care too much about everyone and everything, whether they deserve it or not. I put myself out there time after time, person after person, just to have it thrown back in my face. I spend too much time on others and not enough time on me. After all the scars it's left me, you'd think I'd learn to change. But I cannot. No matter how hard I try I will never stop being me, I will never stop caring. I guess it's just up to you and everyone else how you use or abuse that fact.

The night is cold and the cool crisp air cuts at his chest like tiny daggers. He gasps as the sudden pain takes his breath away. Despite the numbing temperature it's a beautiful night, among the first he has seen in many. The night sky is crystal clear, not a cloud in sight. The stars were incandescent, so alluring that he thought for a minute he must be in a dream. There was no way that something this beautiful could be so real in a world so full of anger and disappointment. It seemed surreal, all the different colors that were embedded into the sky. It was if someone had painted the view he was now trying to take in with big, bold beautiful brush strokes of violets and blues. Despite the hypnagogic atmosphere he found himself in, he had never felt more alive; he had never fully appreciated life until that moment. He wondered why it had taken him so long to witness such a sight. He was just too busy. He lived life like he was stuck in fastforward, always going, always doing, never stopping, never seeing.
And then there he was, alone on some dusty old back road stranded in time. For the first time in the last ten years his life was actually on pause. Bored out of his mind and waiting on the repairman he climbed onto the hood of his car, stretched out, put his hands behind his head, and looked up into the night sky. As inconvienced as he was, he actually enjoyed the time alone. The country was quite, peaceful; time actually seemed to stand still. All that could be heard was well, nothing. Laying there and taking in the scenery around him, he began to relax; the tension in his shoulders started to ease and the wringle on his forward started to slowly disappear. He began to recollect on his life, how he had gotten to where he is now. Up until that moment, he never realized how sad and lonely he really was.

It soothes me, the music that is; it soothes me and puts me in a trance. And for a moment, for three minutes and thirty-seven seconds, the world makes sense. I start to see things in a whole new perspective. I feel hope; I feel happiness, and I no longer feel alone. I close my eyes and picture a place. It's nighttime. The sky is clear and the stars shine brighter than usual. A soft blanket of snow covers the ground; it's beautiful. That's where I lay, there in the snow looking up at the night sky; yet, I do not feel the cold that surrounds me. Instead, I feel warmth, happiness, contentment. And then it starts to snow; those big white snowflakes begin to fall and land all around me. It couldn't be more perfect...

And then like magic, you appear there beside me. You squeeze my hand and put your head next to mine. Tears begin to build up. Slowly, and ever so gently, they begin to fall down the sides of my face. I smile and close my eyes. The music stops. My eyes open. And here I am once again, right back where I started.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty, - that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

~John Keats

I use to think that sadness was a place, a place where I'd go when I was unhappy or upset, a little hole I would dwell in until someone came to pull me out. But I was wrong, sadness is not a place one goes to; it's an emotion that ones feels just as happiness is not a place we get to when we feel at times that our lives are complete, it too is nothing more than a feeling, one of several strong emotions. Without one we cannot have the other. We do not know happiness without sadness just as we would not know sadness without happiness. To me, sadness was something negative and I did not realize the true beauty behind it. Society often views sadness as being malignant or even unnatural. And now I begin asking myself, "Is this really the case?".
No. It's not. We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel, if we didn't have emotions and feel to the extremes on both sides of the spectrum. Throughout our lives we will all experience times where we are swallowed up by grief and feelings of despair only to be spit back out and face the cycle all over again.

Many times when we are unhappy, people feel as though something is wrong in their lives or that something is wrong with them personally (at least this is how I felt). But when you really think about it, this sadness does many things. It allows you to appreciate the pain of others, it makes the happy moments in life that much more joyous, and at times it even helps you to see deep down who you really are. Even though people are always trying to achieve that feeling of happiness, it it during times of pain, not pleasure that people begin to grow and develop into the individuals they really are. Looking at sadness in this aspect, does it not have a beauty of its own? The truth behind sadness is a delicate beauty, just waiting to be discovered.

Communication is key. You can lie and deceive but you will always get caught. At times it may be small little things, but after a while those small little secrets tend to build up into a crazy ball of fury that's ready to be hurled at the next person that lies to her. Time after time she hands out second chances. She tries to see the best in people and hope that they will one day change. She doesn't ask for much; the tiniest things make her happy. Just tell her the truth and don't hide things from her, that's all she asks. How many times does she have to ask? Too many...because she shouldn't have to ask..no she shouldn't, that should just come with respecting her.

My First Love

I miss you. Everything about you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and the way you made me feel. I close my eyes and it all comes back to me. The sensations and overwhelming amounts of joy that come with you. Those late nights and weekend trips...what I'd give to have you back...

But sooner or later we must grow up. We must move on with our lives, make decisions, and give things up. You were important to me; helped me get to where I am today. I miss you. Thank you for the memories,
the smell of dirt, sweat and bubblegum; the sting of strawberries and open flesh, the throbbing of a second knee cap, the feeling after snagging that line drive or making that awesome slide at homeplate to tie up the game, having team members that become more like family; a game you learn to love for a lifetime.

"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything begins again, and it blossoms in the summer filling the afternoon and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rain comes, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone." ~ A. Bartlett Gametti

One day you become to old; one day you make the decision to give it up; one day you realize you need to move on. It's a sad day; one that you will always remember. But you'll always remember the times you had, the memories you shared...with that old ball and glove, with those old teammates, with that dusty old field. It's a girls first love...and everyone knows, you never forget your first love.

A very Funny argument....lol

[4:01:57 PM] amanda dubay: It just wasn't funny.

[4:02:24 PM] Taylor Kasper: okay whatever you say babe

[4:02:54 PM] amanda dubay: Seriously Taylor. You're jokes are lame. They always have been. I just laugh to make you feel better.

[4:03:38 PM] Taylor Kasper: lol and your jokes are weak

[4:03:44 PM] Taylor Kasper: you are never funny

[4:06:15 PM] amanda dubay: Okay, just because you are hurting inside from hearing what I just told you, I will let you say this. I know you don't mean it and are just lashing out because you are jealous that when it comes to jokes and being funny I am so much better at it. As a male you feel as though you should be better at most things and the fact that I am funnier makes you feel incompetent. So I will be the better person and let you say what you want if that really makes you feel better.

[4:06:47 PM] Taylor Kasper: hilarious baby

[4:07:32 PM] Taylor Kasper: not really, I feel like you want to be the funny one to be able to say that you bring humor to the relationship, if it weren't for me I don't think we would laugh

[4:08:32 PM] amanda dubay: You only wish Taylor. I bring the light to this relationship. If I didn't dearly love to laugh...we would be in trouble

[4:09:15 PM] Taylor Kasper: you only love to laugh because I make you laugh so much. you just don't want admit it because you don't want me to think I have that power over you

[4:11:24 PM] Taylor Kasper: i know I just enhanced it to where you could not bear it anymore

[4:12:52 PM] amanda dubay: That does not make any sense. You really need to work on your sense of language and the way that you use you're words to convey your message.

[4:17:04 PM] Taylor Kasper: you need to work on your agrumentative skills. This is a nonsequitor argument due to your lack of adequate connecting words to create a flowing argument

[4:19:05 PM] amanda dubay: You think that using big words makes you sound smart. You only use them at times like these. This means that you are obviously not confident in your true abilites and need to pretend to be something you are not, such as a person with intelligence and a big vocabulary.

[4:20:55 PM] Taylor Kasper: Your continued attempt to degrade me is an obvious sign of some internal feeling of inadequacy. One who talks down on others is not satisfied with themselves and lack the confidence to confront their own fears

[4:24:22 PM] amanda dubay: If your opinion of a 'continued attempt' to degrade you consists of something as small and as simple as me telling you that your jokes are not funny, which I believe is the basis of this whole arguement, than your self confidence is not as high as what you make others think. If something that small gets you this upset where you have to start downplaying me then you have a problem that needs to be dealt with. This is not healthy. Not healthy for you and it certainly is not healthy for this relationship.

[4:28:46 PM] Taylor Kasper: This relationship has been built around the talents of both us together neither of us are perfect and have many things that we can work on. Together these weaknesses are negated by the others strengths. It is this power that drives true love. If you feel that my humor is not to the best ability and neither is yours than something else in our relationship must offset that because when we are together I can do nothing but smile and feel good about the relationship that we have

So this wasn't a real argument..this was just goofying around on skype im when we should have been doing homework. I feel like this blog has been dark and gloomy for too long and needed a little pick me up :P

Am I written in pencil or am I written in pen? Everywhere I go I seem to disappear.There one moment, forgotten the next. Erased from this world.The footsteps I left had been washed away, washed away by the waves of life.
But then you came and turned it all around. You gave me meaning, you gave me hope. To be more than a number, make a name for myself. You listened when no one would, cared when no one should. Out of the darkness you came to lift me up. Confidence emerged from no where. Life felt good.
But then you started to drift away, as so many have before you. I knew it was only a matter of time before you became one of them. Yet, I still hoped. You were different. You made me believe.
That part of you is still there. I know it is. It has to be. Please when you find him, tell him to come back to me. Come back to me. Pull me out of this rut. I'm stuck. I'm helpless. Drowing in a pool of fear and worthlessness. You gave me meaning, you gave me hope. Come back to me.

The Battle Within

Dark.
Cold.
Shivering.
All hope seems lost.

Light.
Warm.
Sensation.
Nothing but a memory.

Struggle.
Sinking.
Suffocating.
The end seems near.

Spark.
Ignited.
Hope.
Somewhere deep inside.

Go.
Stay.
Fight.
Retreat.
The battle within.

Close your eyes,
 tell me where you want to be.
Close your eyes,
are you standing there with me?
I can tell you want I want;
I can tell you how I feel...
but that doesn't matter
if you aren't willing to make that deal.

You made me laugh,
you made me smile.
But that hasn't happened,
in quite a while.
But now I hope
things are turning around.
I was ten feet under
and almost drowned.
I pushed you away
because you seemed to stop caring
My heart throbbed
and was close to tearing.

So close your eyes,
tell me where you want to be.
Close your eyes,
are you standing there with me?
Tell me what you want,
and tell me how you feel.
Not until then
can I start to heal.

The shadows creep up. Even with the lights on, there is no escaping them. The T.V. is on because the silence is unbearable. The room stays cluttered; it doesn't feel as empty that way. The bed is covered in every blanket she owns. She wraps herself up tight as if will keep her together, keep her from falling apart.
The hope she once carried flickers inside her...like a candle nearing the end of its wick. She doesn't know what to do or where to turn. She's going in circles, dizzy, sick to her stomach.
Her heart beats. Harder and harder. It hurts. She wants to just rip it out, rip it out and sew herself shut. Maybe then she will feel something, something other than the emptiness.

In your name I find meaning, but you don't know it. You're the newly found light in a room that has been dark for far too long, the optimism to my pessimism without even trying. But you're hurting too. From one broken soul to the next, we search for meaning...

Song of the day

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Chorus

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw

Pretty much sums it up